For you….yes you.

It’s always someone. And in this case it’s you. I don’t know why though. Well that’s not entirely true either. If we’re being candid I know exactly why who you are as person is everything I could ever hope to have be a part of my life I know this. What I’m referring to is why of all the millions of people in this fantastically large world it is you. The probability of it being you are so low that it doesn’t even make statistical sense that it would be you. But yet it is. I suppose there is something to be said for blind intuition carving the path through a mountain. Over it, under it, through it. It almost doesn’t matter anymore. If you find yourself on the opposing side of the mountain all obstacles become irrelevant they simply no longer matter in my heart, and not just my heart. In every man’s heart, that individual he knows he loves, not “believes”, but knows without questioning it for a second in his mind. For me it’s not a debate, it’s not a struggle, not an unresolved conflict. Just a quiet resolve about the few absolutes in this world, and an assurance that I’m lucky enough to be aware of one of them. You.

There are a multitude of people in this world.  Fish in the sea as they say. Well if they’re fish I suppose you’re a mermaid(to continue the metaphor). Unless you’re actually a mermaid and somehow you’ve hidden it from me in which case that’s freaking cool. But the reality is that most people are respectable enough, good looking enough, intelligent enough to find someone that works compatible with them. Most people find love in some facet some way. Not to boast but I am confident in my ability to eventually find an individual who is everything I could hope for. Kind, open minded, forgiving etc etc. I know this person exists. And furthermore I believe you also exemplify these traits. But this other person is not for me. For the simple illogical reason that they’re not you. How silly is that? But yet it makes all the sense in the world in my heart, and in the heart of every man who has ever loved anyone but himself.

The long and the short of it is: I miss you. I miss having you in my life, and the time we spent together is something I won’t soon forget(still carry around that rock). What hurts is that I know how much it meant to you. I know that everything I tried to do was appreciated in your eyes. I know you saw all the little things I tried to do to get your attention, or to just spend a few minutes more with you. I know this. That’s why it hurts, and so I take my leave. I do wonder when I’ll stop counting the days. 1 day, 2 days, 2 weeks. I chose this, brought it upon myself. I wanted to be alone because I didn’t want to keep putting up this facade of being content with how things were. I chose to distance myself because it hurt to be around you even though it was the best part of my day. I chose to be alone so I didn’t have to sit there, and screen every thought I had as to not confess every proclamation of emotion relevant to you. So I didn’t have to sit there melancholy about someone else being your center of focus. And yet I was still wasting away inside amazed at how lucky I was to even have a chance to be your friend. And now I don’t see you at all. Wonderful thing about social media is that it’s really easy to see a photos of a person you really don’t want to. That’s happened a couple times. And it hurt because the person I saw was confident, satisfied, happy. Happy not because I was gone, but just happy rather without the need of me. And that’s not a bad thing, all I could ever hope for was for you be happy with yourself. And you are, so who am I to interfere? Everyday I think about what I could’ve done differently, and then I scold myself because I shouldn’t be thinking about it if I really wanted to get over you but I don’t. Of course listening to those playlists of yours didn’t help either. FYI there’s some really good songs in there. And when I listen to a playlist made by you who do I think about? Yeah exactly. 

So what to do about someone that both makes you the happiest you can be, but also the loneliest all at the same time? Move on is not the answer. But keep trying isn’t either.  And so we go into this strange limbo unresolved, and discontent. What I am doing is trying to be the best person I can be. I’m pursuing my writing, I joined a gym, I’m cleaning, I’m being a productive member of society. Not because I hope that you’ll occasionally notice me, and think damn I missed out, but because I want to be better for you to be that person you can lean on. But not today. Today I continue my silence. My absence from your life. Because right now it’s what I need to do. For the both of us.

 

 

-A Struggling Record of Myself

(1/5/2018)

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